If you can’t see the forest for the trees,
Just burn it all down, and bring the ashes to me.
You hear your mother screaming, you hear your daddy shouting,
You try to figure it out, you never figure it out.
The one that you love is going to leave you alone,
particularly the Christ types.
Arcade Fire We Don’t Deserve Love
You first were with me when I left Montessori,
for reasons unknown,
that’s where it began.
That time my father had that conversation with the old South Dakota engine,
and I interjected.
He watched me as I strode off, his eyes piercing.
A curious mind, a furious find.
The closest I came to experience,
glimpses outside of the box, daydreams, awareness but a path had been chosen.
The black chess pieces presented.
You staved me off with school, athletics, college, jobs, women, drugs.
But eye hid from you, even when you were hiding. We were both alone.
The white chess pieces presented.
Those days on the cliffs in the dark woods at night, never left.
Even so, every seven days, original sin and what we don’t deserve spoon fed in.
I fought, oh, did I fight, but with the world awaiting my mark on it, eventually, fell in.
Became a person, just like we wanted.
Put forth vicariously, pushed out, everything external.
For the sake of a name, a diamond ring for fame.
I strode by your pieces when you weren’t looking, peeped the strategy.
Somewhere deep within, I kept notes.
Your pieces helped me see the spirit, while they held me in check.
Your greatest weakness my strength, the long game manifests, but first, a life wreck.
Will had been built, strength had been tested, in the physical world, everything a man could want manifested.
And I didn’t care whose plan it was anymore. Baby thrown out with the holy bathwater.
You took out my Rook while my white pieces took over the board.
And then, the table was left vacant for awhile. Not even a glance.
Dove into Creature Comforts, offices and status,
Physically stayed fit, the body equipped.
And somewhere that Old Engine died,
But at least I was someone else’s dream.
Moving on the conveyor belt.
However, this whole time, my essence remained. Again, I hid from you and we never spoke.
Poured my best into her, gave what I had, an uneven exchange, for what in the end?
To only be betrayed.
To have to banish when one doesn’t want to.
To be threatened of losing my seeds because I could lose my green for not injecting a “vaccine.”
Even amongst this I still went with my conscience. This before I fell.
And all this after I returned to the sanctuary, I gave back what I had lost.
And to find out the day after the second coming; everything false.
The abyss with no catch, and you came back, not a whisper a loud crack.
And I gave in. Gave in to hate and anger. I no longer wanted a heart. If I had to walk around with one at least have it be black.
No one cared anyway. I sometimes wondered if I didn’t have children, how long would it be before anyone found me.
Betrayal of myself worse than the other, because I felt I didn’t deserve love. I was tired of being me, the ends had not justified the means.
You gave me two choices, the tub or the bottle. I went with the bottle. I had responsibilities. Not sure if I had gone through with it but just thinking was enough.
The abyss at least had a cushion now.
You walked with me, my only friend. I had you. Oh, the black hearted fun we had.
And I could just black out and forget.
Then Christmas Eve came, and I got to shit on everyone and everything.
Nothing like cursing God and his children on that day.
The hole just feels wider though.
I went on for one more week. I fell again. The bar below.
I woke up. Alone, like you said. Not even you were around.
I let you sleep.
I put one foot in front of the other. I started to walk again on dry land.
No AA, doing this alone. Just like you said, and I didn’t even have you, knowing we would sit down at that chess table again. But not today.
That loneliness poison you injected would become my cure.
I started rebuilding the temple, bare labor from my bare bones.
Not infused with soul, not yet.
Then it happened. The kaleidoscope rolling film of classic moments.
Stumbling in the desert after a long days work, found the oasis.
The key to unlock all the doors. The childlike intuitions came back, a waterfall that I bathed in.
Nature, my old friend rediscovered, with new eyes. She screamed, “I have always been here. You stopped looking.”
Walked by my father’s desk, saw the Caudecceus staff. I had seen that symbol many times, being that he was a pharmacist. But this time, Deja vu.
The waterfall quenching the thirst in the desert, replacing the liquor that stung my liver.
Slowly peeling back the layers, I drew you out.
When you awoke, you were surprised.
I was too. I was standing taller and you were a shadow, not a monster.
We sat back down at that table and went to work.
Meanwhile, I figured out why Moses was always the cool one.
I figured out why the Caudecceus stung, why I grew up by a river, why I watched the History Channel years ago.
I rediscovered Ancient Egypt. I returned home. I found the way. I initiated along with the key, turned it and walked under Temet Nosce.
I started running and I never looked back.
All the connections, awareness, expansion, internal alchemy. The raised baby came back without the bathwater.
The disharmony leveled, the left started talking to the right. Wisdom. Forgiveness.
Like I said, I kept something there, hidden, checking your plan.
The observer always peeped out to view, before hiding, even all those years.
We went back through the years, dried the tears and understood.
Bishop takes Queen.
I’ll put her to the side when I need her. A king needs his queen, a magician needs his muse.
She is my left eye, put back in when I had stabbed it out myself. We held that knife together remember?
Take your king with you. You will need it in my lower temple.
The inner sanctum completed. White light infused.
It is safe to go there.
Eye am the Self. The waves no longer troubled; ocean calm.
The darkness and the light, embraced.
Eye have lost but gained so much.
Redemption.
Eye do not need to rinse in water for eye have kidneys.
Oh yes my church has organs too.
Eye am the one I was waiting for, connected to the ALL.
I’m so cool I found my Holy Guardian Angel without the aid of A.C.,
That angel was always me.
Heart is wide open, circulating through the micro,
The land of pure black had to coagulate within the abyss to emerge a cosmos.
After years priest mode checks beast mode.
But have no fear, I reconcile you. The best parts.
Clear the table, forge the two kings together and light me.
Golden King.
If my army comes across the shadow in another man, don’t mind the matter.
His pawns will be checked for he has no King.
Maybe we can help him build a temple fit for his King on return.
Our light source for the torch.
Make sure to keep the magician in our court.
To raise the staff within his desert and ease the pain.
Build a better world, one mind at a time.
The engine’s spirit has returned.
As we embrace, before taking the best parts of you in, with love I say,
I’m not sorry I left Montessori.
Now the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning.
Job 45:12
The following quote is from Anne Lamott’s “12 truths I learned from life and writing” TED Talk. If you have not watched this, please do so. It is beautiful and funny. I came across this particular quote while reading the book, “The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober,” by Catherine Gray in my first few months of sobriety. I did not attend AA ever (not saying that is for everyone, just worked for me) and this was extremely helpful, funny and rewarding. When I first read the quote, I resented it too. Now that I experience it transcendentally, I do not. It has made all the difference. Much love and peace.
There is almost nothing outside of you that will help in any kind of lasting way, unless you’re waiting for an organ. You can’t buy, achieve or date serenity and peace of mind. This is the most horrible truth and I so resent it. But it’s an inside job.
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