Youngblood Elixir

Gratitude

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Gratitude

Chris Youngblood

May 12, 2025

Transcript

This post has been a long time coming. The changes throughout the last four years of my life culminate here. I am going to reveal things in plain speech and let down the vulnerabilities so that someone out there may benefit from my life’s mud. I had apprehensions of doing so, until I read the May 10 meditation from my 365 Tao. Today is May 11, 2025, Mothers Day. Ma. Maat. This will be published on Monday, May 12. May 12 for some reason, is a date which has had profound impact on my life. I had an intuition that it would be the same date in which I walked away from a belief system but I had to check 5 minutes before I started writing. My intuition was correct. I can’t explain why and I did not plan to publish this on May 12. More on that later.

I will end this post with my newest poem to my project. It will be poem number 10. It’s not a poem as much as it is a prayer of gratitude. I was going to publish the prayer of gratitude, the current place I am at which is about my new line of work and leave my backstory for another day, if at all. But they are all linked. It would be a disservice to my higher Self, the All, and anyone who may benefit to not do so. This hit me like lightning when I read the May 10 meditation. See below. I will come back to this later.

Being the Change

Let’s begin with current status and backtrack. I now have a new job. It is not even close to the field I have been in for the last 10 years, IT in Healthcare. I am now a Case Manager for the homeless in an organization I have been passionate about and volunteered with IN MY COMMUNITY. It is completely not for profit and gets all of its money, food, clothing from VOLUNTARY donations. It is truly people helping people. And by the way, these same people still get taxed, yet they give. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be doing something truly for what I believe in, using my skills, talents and wisdom. I am beyond grateful. Not only do I get to serve my fellow man, I get to serve my neighbors.

Does it pay what I was making before? Absolutely not. But it is authentically me. And it is changing lives literally. Not only do we find housing but we help them get back on their feet, find employment. I will be working on the front lines. My office will be in an old motel room, which has been converted into the housing center.

We do not merely house, we help them restore dignity and know that there is no shame. Hard times can hit anyone, believe me, I know. We refer to them as clients (I fucking love that)!

The road to this has been hard but divine timing has always been there, sustained by my will. I healed myself and now I will ease pain and hold space for others. Working with others who do the same!

I used to volunteer at Feed My Starving Children with my family. I remember loving what it did for starving kids, but one time, on my way home, I saw a homeless person just a mile from my home. I thought about how the food we prepared goes overseas (of course they are people no different from here essentially) but yet, in my own community, people are suffering. What about them?

I went for a walk last night and saw a tent and I’m pretty sure it’s a guy who I’ve given money to before. I thought, now, I can give him my card along with a couple bucks.

As I said, the pay is not the same. Maybe you are thinking about leaving your job for something more pure to your heart. Maybe this will inspire you. Of course, it can’t be done right away. There has to be planning. There are plenty of opportunities out there to explore your passion that makes the world a better place. Maybe work two jobs to make up for it. I Door Dash and I plan on dashing straight from work because it is a busy area where my office is. Problem solved. Will I do so every night? No, but it’s my way and I put the wheels into motion while I was searching so I already am working on the side for a natural supplements company and Dashing to make up for it and it probably still won’t be as much as before. Guess what though, I didn’t even in my wildest dreams four years ago expect to be here, WHOLE, in tack and living authentically. Completely in alignment. You think I’m worried? Nope. Not even an ounce. Self got this.

I have two teenagers so I have responsibilities too. I had to take into consideration the financial aspect. Those two sentences are for anyone whose thinking about changing but wants to fall back on the “I can’t do that, I have to pay for,,, etc.” How bad do you want it? How bad do you want to truly live? How bad do you want to actualize your potential innate to your abilities? How bad do you want to exert the energy out that’s dying to be released, to be shared? Will you allow the fake image of a pyramid to influence the real thing inside?

Beginnings (Nigredo)

My life, everything I thought I knew, my heart, all broke on December 26, 2020. I found out that my wife, my best friend, one who I trusted and had spent 15 years married (18 total together), had been unfaithful. She had an affair. We hear all the time about what this does to a woman, but barely ever what it does to a man. I prided myself on being a good husband and father, and ironically at the time, I felt that my family was strong. Covid had put some strain on us with school and working from home. We got through it and as the year was closing, I had high hopes. But, heart achingly so, I found that she was not ride or die.

To make matters worse, the man she had an affair with was a friend, not a close one, but one I had known for three years. Double betrayal.

She didn’t want to work it out, she never went to one minute of counseling. I am not perfect, miles less so four years ago, but I was a damn good husband. I’ll hang my hat on that any day. On February 12 she cruelly told me she no longer loved me. We separated.

2021 was easily the worst year of my life, it’s not even close. While we were going through divorcement proceedings, I had to worry about losing my job because I wouldn’t take the jab. She threatened that I could lose custody if so. I didn’t know if this was true, but the stress of everything on top of that was much to bear. And just to clarify, I DIDN’T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS!

Eventually after writing two letters to HR at work, I got a religious exemption. I would have lost my job though, I was prepared to do so. Consequences be damned.

On May 12, 2021, I saw her lover in the parking lot of her apartment. For the sake of the kids, her apartment at the time was not far from my house, which I kept by the way. She moved out cause I damn sure wasn’t leaving. Him and I fought. I won’t say who threw the first punch, it’s not important. My fists pummeled his face and it felt good, not going to lie. He got some in on me too. Luckily, no one called the cops and as we sat there on the curb, a lady in the lot brought us some waters and said, “It looks like you two could use some water from your workout.” She was awesome. That is the last time him and I ever spoke.

I went to the emergency room to get the back of my head scanned because it had hit the ground a little hard. I thought maybe my ex (we were still separated, I had not filed yet), would come there, see that I had fought for her. All she did was text me that I was crazy for fighting.

After the scan, I sat in the room for the results. I wished that they would find a tumor so I could just die. I didn’t want to live anymore. I wasn’t mad at God yet, was just hoping he would take me. How did I get here? Why did I have to be here? Could I just die so I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore?

Side note, Mothers Day was three days before. That was the last day I drank for about three months, my first attempt at sobriety. My second attempt, starting on January 1, 2023, has continued.

I was alone. To be honest, the only people on Earth who had my back were my family and two friends. Other friends texted encouragement but that was about it. If some of them are reading this, sorry, but it’s true. You know it is.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. Autonomy was built out of this void.

I sunk into depression coupled with hate. I walked around with a scowl, and empty. No life, I tried to have a connection to God. I went to Church, prayed, but he wasn’t listening. I felt abandoned by him too.

I drank, drowned my sorrows and became numb. I cared about nothing and no one. An unlovable person apparently (I really bought that from Feb 12) so why should I love? I did all the right things, was a loving husband, a decent person and what did I have to show for it? I went on Fuck it mode.

To be honest, it was freeing, not caring. But there was nothing to carry forward. One can only do so for so long. Additionally, the dude moved in with my ex. I saw them a few times in public. I killed him in my mind many times. I watched him burn, bleed, beg for me to let him live. I cannot tell you what this does to the human soul. I will never be able to. Like I said, I didn’t expect to be here. Additionally, I’m trying to get through to someone out there who is reading this, and thinks that they can never come back, never reach their truest Self. I’m living proof that it is possible. If you are willing to do deep excavation, deep work and be relentless, the days will get easier. I promise you. But you must begin with love. You will re member who you are.

There are many more stories I could tell about 2021, but I will leave with one because it is linked to something that happened to me a week ago. That story will come later. I was driving and a song by The War on Drugs “Eyes to the Wind,” was playing. When he sang, “There’s a stranger living in me,” all the baggage I had left piled up inside came pouring out. I thought of the family I had lost along with myself. I drove and wept. This is the black hole in time. The white hole came one week ago (again coming later).

On Easter Sunday, 2022, the day after burying my almost 98 year old grandmother, I attended church for the last time. I had checked out already on God. I wasn’t an atheist but I figured he was indifferent. Looking back it makes sense cause I was indifferent. The mirror.

On May 12, 2022, while sitting in a bar, drinking, reading the Kybalion, I denounced Christianity. I decided that I didn’t know anything and that belief was just that, belief, not knowledge. I put in my notes the date so I would remember when I made this decision.

I felt free for the first time in a long time. It was exciting to throw off belief in anything. In some ways, I have nostalgia for those days. Not a care in the world, and no spiritual practice. For the record, I had known for awhile, about the conspiratorial history. I knew that governments were corrupt and were working against our interests to build a one world totalitarian order. I had read many books and dug deep into this. So to have no authority, not even a God to put anything onto, was exhilarating.

From the Kybalion, I started delving deeper into Hermeticism and Ancient Egyptian knowledge, out of curiosity. I had always been intrigued by Ancient Egypt and felt something with it since I was a little boy. This never really left me. I also had studied Bruce Lee’s philosophy throughout my 20s (was always a fan of his), and started looking more into Taoist thought, which he derived much of his philosophy and Jeet Kune Do on. I was still drinking heavily but my mind was beginning to soak up very quickly what I was learning. It was all theory at this point. I wasn’t even meditating yet. For the record, I started meditating in 2014 off and on until about 2020.

Even with drinking, I still stayed in great shape physically. I take pride in my temple, even then. I always looked at my body as a temple, not knowing just how true that is until the last few years. I eat right, box, run, lift. I’m also an amateur endurance runner, which is where the highlighted sentence at the end of the Tao entry comes in. I’ve run 5 marathons and I still run halfs. The last marathon I ran was in 2017. Looking to change that though. Get back on that horse. Soon enough, just be patient.

David Goggins was a huge influence on me (still is). I love that man. Hard as fuck and had every excuse in the world to not be the tough as nails person he is. “Why are you out here? Cause you’re not!” Love that shit! Many of the physical toughness lessons I have taken with me over the years have been through two people - David Goggins and Kobe Bryant. The getting up at 4:00 to tackle the day. I eat that shit up. And I do get up early. Why? Because the other motherfucker isn’t.

I’m sorry but I’ve looked far and wide and I still haven’t found (I’m sure they exist) a middle aged man running suicides for fun. Do you know why? To still be as sharp at 48 as I was at 25. You know where it would pay off the most for me? In boxing class, not just for wind but for a young 18 year old kid who I would make his life hell. This kid was 18, athletic, and him and I would run suicides wanting to beat the other. He won some, I won some, but we always lead the class. For me, if I lost by a hair, I lost by a hair to an 18 year old athlete. He lost to an old man. I still haven’t got the memo from Father Time, or I’m stubborn, maybe both.

People look at me like I’m crazy, I am. About life.

One time a woman asked me “Are you training for something?” when I was running suicides and doing footwork drills on a tennis court on vacation. I said, “Yes, my 80 year old self.”

My ex and I used to say shit like, “I had to Goggins it out,” referring to something that took endurance or mental toughness.

David Goggins has the cookie jar metaphor. He keeps accomplishments on note cards in a cookie jar. He reaches into them whenever he needs to remind himself who he is and what he has accomplished. I do the same in my head and the last four years has produced so many that I will take the rest of my life for the tough spots which are inevitable, such is the Tao.

The four years have been the training ground. I have endured and run the race of life. I will keep going no matter what is thrown my way.

Goggins has been an influence but it is strictly physical. There is a hint of the human spirit in there but I needed something more.

Begin Coagulation (Albedo)

Towards the end of 2022, I went for a run, my life flashed before me, running through my head like a view finder and I became a supernova. A new star, albeit, very dimly lit was born. Source had reached out a small finger. My guides made me aware. My life mattered. How much, I didn’t know. But I had an intuition that they said, “That is all dependent upon you. But you do matter, come and see.” And they showed me through an old pastime while I “Ran Like Hell.” This is documented in my first Substack story, Running and Rebirth.

True story, after I published that story, I got in my car, turned on the ignition, and the first notes to “Run Like Hell,” started. It was the local radio station. What are the chances, really?

Also, five days after the actual event of that run, I was visiting my parents. My mother came up from the basement the morning before I left and said, “Chris, I have your old View Finder, do you want it?” I had told no one what happened. What are the chances, really?

On January 2, 2023, I woke up hung over. It would be the last time. I had been an ass to a female, who was a friend of a friend. I was so ashamed. I texted her how sorry I was and that I was not myself when I was drunk. She accepted my apology and said she was drunk too.

Even though she accepted my apology and my buddy said I was being way to hard on myself, I knew I couldn’t live like this anymore. I wanted control of my life. I knew the first place to start was alcohol. I had every excuse to numb out but my Goggins mentality kicked in. I would kick it. I would do dry January at least, this is where I started from.

My mentality at this point, not quite the lowest point, but pretty damn low, was one of a Warrior. That’s all I had. King, Magician and especially lover, were nowhere to be found. All I had was the warrior mentality that I had used physically all those years leading up to that point.

I loved proving people wrong about me in my life. I don’t as much anymore because that’s living for others, one of the many lessons I’ve learned in the last four years. You have to prove it to yourself, that is the ultimate battle. People’s opinions about me hold no sway, I’m my biggest critic and my biggest fan. The reflections back to me regarding my temperment and how I have changed are just that, reflections; mirrors. They are not validation because I need none.

I wanted to prove to myself (and my ex at the time if I’m being honest) that I could rise up. That yes, I have been down, but I’m still alive.

I laid on that ground on day one with only myself. I remember being grateful because I wasn’t suicidal or wanting to die. I wanted to live and live vitally. The very notion that I wanted to change was the only thing I clung onto.

When you are in the midst of hard times, knowing that you have built it around you, find the grace to not be so hard on yourself. Understand why you did, but hold onto the very notion that you want to change and that you are going to, as the spark that will grow. And it will grow.

Three months into sobriety I found Mark Passio’s work on Natural Law. His seminar spoke profoundly to me. He also reminded me of myself and his story of being a former Satanist who changed, discovered the cosmic laws of the universe which had always been there and now teaches to others hit me in the mind, heart and guts. I stress guts too. He was the gut punch I needed and it came at the right time. Keep in mind, I was only three months into sobriety and had just finalized my divorce. It would have been easy to go back. But I didn’t. The Hermetic Laws and Ancient Egyptian Mythology was also in his presentation. Natural Law was so simple, it wasn’t a gimmick or New Agey. It was timeless ancient wisdom and it seamlessly linked up with what I had been studying. I also just loved his no nonsense way of speaking truth. It appealed to me. That being said, I still tested out what he was dropping in my own life. I found that Law is King and the only authority. It is up to us to live in accordance with it. This is true freedom, rooted in love.

The other thing he covered was confronting the shadow. I knew this was something I needed to do. I needed to heal old wounds, not just from my divorce but those from childhood.

This was the beginning of my spiritual hero’s journey. From this spot. I started with Shadow work. I can honestly say though, if it wasn’t for the intent of starting from harmony, love and justice, Maat, I wouldn’t be as far along as I am now.

I started with a solid foundation. I wasn’t doing shadow work to simply be better and in control of myself. It was so I could have balance, promote justice and love. Always Maat. In order to help others and be of value, the message my guides brought to me on that running road to Damascas, I had to get myself right. I am so grateful beyond words to have started at this point. Mark’s seminar was the catalyst.

Freedom, justice, harmony, balance, health, aligning oneself with truth and nature, the true nature of who they are; is all linked together in the GREAT ALL.

The main work that I used in Shadow Work, was a book called, “Shadow Awakening.” The author runs in the same circles as Passio. It was practical, which is what I wanted. Not theory. I had work to do, and quickly, the quickening.

I’ve never spoken to the author but one day I hope to tell him that him and I started sobriety literally one day apart. I found this out in 2024. So fucking cool man.

I went back into time and healed that child, I spoke to him, cried with him. I then looked toward the future in the same manner. This is in an allegory I wrote called, Healing Across Time; Bonding in a Field.

After Shadow Awakening I delved into Joe Dispenza’s work, particularly “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself.” I did his meditations every single day without exception. I trained my brain to observe itself. I dug deep and went within.

There is the adage, “Time heals all wounds.” That’s complete bullshit. Intensity and will aimed at the cause heals. I never let up on myself, not even a little. I was relentless. I can honestly say that my will, intensity and solid foundation are the tripartite values which have allowed me to heal, discover and work my microcosmic circuit, expand my chi, unification of body and mind as one unit, one cosmos within. I am no longer just a supernova, I am a solar and lunar system. Built through the one united mind in the temple. I am a king but the warrior work ethic mentality is what raised the serpent and inscribed the crown upon my head. The king thanks and blesses his warrior. I did this alone but the Neters within worked together. Maat, Thoth, Osiris, Set and ultimately Horus.

I delved deep into the Osiris myth while simultaneously doing Joe’s meditations. Set dismembering Osiris. I had been Set. My shadow was Set. But Horus does not slay Set, he establishes the kingdom of Northern and Southern Egypt. He unifies them. He wears the crown upon his head. Set still has a profound task. His task is to use his skills of strength to keep Apep (chaos) at bay by not taking over the boat of Ra, with Maat and Ra on board. This is a way of taking the anger I had and transmuting it into good, using the righteous anger for self defense from tyrants within and without. Using it for the correct means. This is alchemy.

If anyone asks me who my favorite superhero is I’ll always say Horus. He’s the original hero. He’s also me and I am him. Or better still, I am the Pharaoh who has both Horus and Set within him, perfectly balanced.

I’ve earned the right to make that statement because I know and feel (Mind and body).

In early 2024, my ex wife kicked out that dude, a drunk and someone who treated her and her family like shit. I just said she made a big mistake leaving a good man like me for someone like him and that I was ten times the man he was. Brutal facts and I earned the right to say so. This was in a text. She never responded. Nothing else really needed to be said. During 2021 and 2022 I was beyond cruel to her. My demons, Set, was in pure attack mode. Wrath was always my biggest vice (know thyself). One time, I texted her at work, and she had to leave work. I felt good about this but it killed me inside. All it did was create a bigger hole that could not be filled.

A week or so after she kicked him out, we went to a Chicago Blackhawks game for my oldest son’s 16th birthday. It was the first time we had been out as a family since early in the separation. It was nice.

On St. Patrick’s Day 2024, we met at a coffee shop, reconciled, she apologized for what she had done and I forgave her. We had been divorced (on paper) for almost a year.

We are not necessarily friends but friendly and good co parents. I sent her a Happy Mothers Day text today and she sent me pics of her and my oldest at the Driving Range last night, where they spent time together; just them.

I’ve forgiven her but I don’t know if she has forgiven herself. I hope for her sake one day she does. I’ve moved on, changed my life and am in a whole new time. Sometimes transformation comes through hardship. What happened was meant to be. I am stronger for it and have had an abundance of blessings because of it.

I woke up out of the mud, walked through the valley and re membered who I am, why I am here and now I have the opportunity to plug the electrical cord that is me into a new outlet. Behind that wall is a spark (another human) to be charged and receive. When this happens, the illusion of the wall disappears.

None of this would have happened if the rug wasn’t pulled out from under me, requiring me to rebuild everything I thought I knew and put it back together in the proper time and place.

In this vase of space, I came alive again in ways I could have never imagined. And now, I get to pour that out into others who I can touch, who live in my community. Hence, gratefulness.

Rubedo and the Ashes

For the last few months I’ve checked out of the online space and am oblivious to the world affairs. This has been an amazing time in my life, these last few months. I’ve watched some podcasts here and there but they’ve just been about esoteric subjects. During this time, I really started to question my way of making a living. I had accomplished so much but the one thing lurking in my mind was living authentically. Could I possibly live out my creeds of justice, peace, humility, in my everyday life? Can I make a living that way?

The cookie jar notecard says, “Where there’s a Will there’s a Way.”

My friend, Kelly Fuge visited me for a few nights a couple of weeks ago and we talked about the online world vs real life. We had a lovely time together.

We discussed what is it you are REALLY DOING if all you do is talk online, even if you are speaking the truth. What about being the great work in all aspects of life? What about working with people in real life?

Of course the conversation can continue in the air (online) but what about earth (IRL)? What about REALLY putting the phone away, REALLY not having to post every thought for validation, REALLY being what you are in practice, not theory? Talking loudly online how you don’t need anyone, but clearly you do. You need people to recognize you for not needing people. What? Get them blind spots off.

Whatever label people call themselves is an identity. Identities are limited. You are not a thought form. YOU ARE ENERGY THAT MATTER. Stop trying to prove yourself to other people when you are all that is. I say this with the utmost love and respect because I want everyone to truly heal.

You are energy with unique gifts that emanate from the pure consciousness that is you. That is the most realest of who you are, not an identity. Not a husband, a wife, a father or mother. Those are things you do. They are important, no doubt, but they are still limiting.

This new job I have is an outlet for the pure consciousness I am to connect with another consciousness, which I am linked to through the great ALL.

I am not a case manager, that is a job title. I am bringing all that I am, the light in my eyes that can heal, throat chakra which can create (Ptah) and ease, wisdom (Isis) gained which can be the generative principle to the receptive consciousness. These are the Neters within that are also without in Nature. These Neters had to unravel from the fetters. This unraveling came from all those days and nights alone doing the work. I fought for them. I fought for this life. They are elements of me, elements of God, Source, whatever you want to call it. And make no mistake, I know I can humbly learn from my clients. I look forward to it.

Now let’s discuss time. I have come to understand at a very real electromagnetic sense that time is an illusion.

Back to where there’s a will there’s a way. I promise these segments(time and will) sync up like a body and mind synapse. Oh the great fractals of life.

It is one thing to manifest in the mind, but the body must walk the manifestation. The body and mind must be one. I learned this from Dispenza.

Joe said one thing in an interview with Diary of a CEO that made tears come down my face, not merely by what he said, but the manner in which he said it.

Joe is a remarkable man. He was hit by a truck while he was running a triathalon. I couldn’t imagine this. He healed himself from a spinal injury and defied the odds. A man after my own heart. He healed himself with his mind.

I was watching the interview about one year ago. The guy asked, “Would you say that what happened to you was a catalyst for this work?”

Joe looked to the side, his eyes glazed over for a second, then he shrugged and said, “Yes, but what if the worst thing that ever happened to you was the best thing.” He simultaneously took the thought in, pondered for a second and delivered that line without hesitation. I wanted that. I can honestly say I have it now, without hesitation.

Back to walking the manifestation. I started upping my volunteer hours within this organization. I volunteered at special events. One had a woman who was homeless talk about how the organization had changed her life. Her case manager was there and they hugged. I met some good people within this organization there and networked. The universe was noticing because I had asked out of pure heart and worked to make it happen.

I stood there thinking is it possible for the wounded healer to become the healer? Is it possible?

Back up four nights before this event. The event was near a hotel ballroom event I had attended for my son. A college admissions staff from a university was there. I went to learn and be there for him. His mom attended too. On the way there, he mentioned to me in the car, “Hey, isn’t that where you are going for the volunteer event?” I don’t know how he even possibly knew or remembered this. He’s 17.

I stood there during his talk with the staff at the Business School and thought about how we sell ourselves short. Take a job after schooling to sell a product to keep the system going. What is honest work? Does it exist? I thought about my 20s and what I had sacrificed. I thought about how I could change and don’t have a wife to answer to. What was that about the best thing could be the worst thing? Oh yeah.

I wrote about this in A Stage Fusing. I called it that because I could see my life fusing together coming to it’s fruition. My son’s youth and what he was looking towards fusing with my past and emptied out into the present. It was a trip and I loved the uncertainty and possibility. When you truly walk differently, the world around you takes on a magical quality.

On the day after I was conditionally offered the job (just needed references and background check), I was driving to deliver some food for Door Dash. I passed by where that volunteer event had happened, right by it. I had a random playlist going. It was raining. A song from the War on Drugs came on entitled, “Occasional Rain.” Listen to the lyrics. They were just right. This was not planned by me. I started to cry tears of joy, transcendence and victory. I pumped my hand in the air and high fived my guides. If there was a championship trophy for life struggles, I was holding it. I had finished that race in glory. I emerged from the Black Hole on that road in 2021 into the White Hole here and now. The line that got me was, “Ain’t the sky just shades of gray, until you seen it from the other side?” Such is the Tao.

Which leads me back to the passage I read yesterday and why I highlighted what I did.

This is where the physical and spiritual met for me. The metal of long perseverance. The endurance runner I am. Notice how I wrote in lungs for metal. Lungs, the breath, the breath of life, the spirit, you can call it Holy if you want. I connect with it every morning.

I also thought about how tears are water. In Ancient Egyptian mythology, Amun, the Neter of Neters, God of all, creator, rose up from water, Nun, and recognized himself. From here he split into the male and female, solar and lunar. We come from water. The beginning and the end. Tears from the beginning, tears at the end. And so it goes.

From the beginning it was all for love, the spark of life. I started with love and humility. I still have that and forever humbly pray that I maintain it. It is the most precious for it was forged by fire.

I rub my elements, my organs, every morning with the Chi I gain from the lower dantian and microcosmic orbit generated from the cauldron. As I said in a poem, yes, my church has organs too.

I love my organs, my cells, and I trace them back to the one great spirit. They all had to work in unison and be loved and harmonized. The same can be said for our world. It’s all alchemy and it’s all fractal.

I look forward to applying the healing on the front lines. I look forward to waking up early, applying the great work within and going to apply it without, on solid ground, with real people.

I’ll be here too, in the air. I received a compliment recently from a friend on my writing. He said something like “Youngblood’s work is alchemy literally,” or literal gold. Honestly, it’s probably my all time favorite compliment so far. Because that is what it has been. My stories, allegories, poems, have been me sitting up out of water and remembering myself. Putting the pieces back together. I truly believe if more people do this, the world will shine brighter. It can’t help but do so. I only want to inspire people to ignite and create the structure which will facilitate the greatest potential in them. To be fully them. To truly live. To love themselves and to know that they are energy that matter. I refuse to believe people cannot do so. It is up to more of us to show how it’s done. We do this voluntarily. Even if it does not happen in my lifetime it WILL happen. It is inevitable. I testify into the record my life and my words. These will go on after my spirit has left this realm. Therefore, I am infinite. As it has been beautifully stated, “Plant a tree from which you may never sit in it’s shade.”

My life DOES matter and so does yours.

Two more stories before I drop the prayer.

On Friday, I officially was offered the job. I went for a drive to run an errand. My car had been acting weird. It shut down. It’s in the shop now. But this prompted the walk I took which made me see the tent, and then how I can offer that man a card. Even within “inconveniences” the right eyes real eyes (realize).

Two young men, in there early twenties helped me wave down traffic. I eventually started the car but while we were waiting one of them, a kid who is graduating college in a week asked me what I do. I told him I’m a case manager for the organization, which he knew. I figured, hey, it’s not a lie. That’s what I do now.

He looked into the distance and said, you know, that’s what I’m thinking of doing actually. Something for the homeless. I have no doubt this encounter was something he needed. I am humbled to be part of his story, to be the generative principle to his receptive. Out of my “inconvenience.”

The last thing, and it is the one to end on.

I had breakfast with my parents one week ago. They were happy about the job. When I was saying goodbye to them, my father said, now that God has blessed you, get back to church. I’ve had discussions with him, but they haven’t been fruitful. He’s still in the mode of an external savior, which in my mind, is still an idea, not a connection, not an experience. It doesn’t mean that good things cannot happen. He has his way, I have mine. Mine has worked for me and I tried the other way for years. When you know, you know.

I didn’t want to argue so we had a kind conversation. I know he loves me. I have compassion for him. I no longer argue, I let him say his thing. I know my time with him is limited. He won’t change and that’s okay.

Later on that day, when I was replaying this conversation in my mind, with the same above thoughts going through my head, I happened to glance at the clock. It was 11:11.

No matter when you read this, even if it’s 100 years from now, I hope my life testament does something for you. Much love.

Today is Mothers Day. I started with Maat. Always Maat. I just found out that the word Ma is universal, even in ancient times and one of the first things we say.

I can honestly say that this particular post will forever be in my top 5 of my posts. I’ll have to make room for it. It’s the end of a long chapter and the beginning of a new one.

The below painting is from the 16th century alchemical text Splendor Solis (splendor of the sun). I chose the triple headed eagle because of Mars chariot. I do this in honor of the warrior represented by Mars. It was the sole lonely warrior who began my transmutation. I send love back to him. Could have never done it without him starting the fire.