Thankful for Selfhood, Grateful for the Root Ripping

A Reverence and Appreciation for a Year of Solitude

I am extremely grateful this year for much. When I look back upon 2023 in this Harvest Season, I can hardly fathom I’m here. The nights come earlier this time of year, triggering reflection. One year ago on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I drank myself silly. I was a man who was broken, beaten down. I was about a month away from rock bottom. On January 1 of 2023 I took my last drink. On January 2, I had my last hangover.

The last two years had been very rough on me. My separation and divorce were devastating. Looking back, the Covid scamdemic did not help but it made me realize I was not with the right person. Our values were different. That still didn’t make the separation and divorce hurt any less. Not to mention, actions this person did and threats they made concerning my refusal to get jabbed and if I lose my job.

I knew I had made the right decisions and stood up for what was right but I couldn’t let go of the pain. I guess I didn’t feel like I deserved to be happy. I bought into that bullshit. For that I suffered, no one to blame but myself.

Departure

I did not go to AA for my alcoholism. I went through the fire alone. This is not for everyone, but for me it was the ONLY way. I’m not saying everyone who attends AA takes on a victimhood mentality, not at all, I want to be clear on that. I have heard, however, that AA can be that or at least the conversations hang in the air that way. I did not want to be a victim. I couldn’t allow this to take place. I had to go through it alone and be the hero of myself and for myself. The hero of my own story. Thank you Joseph Campbell.

This journey through the depths was extremely lonely to be sure, but well worth the gold excavated. It was necessary. But three things had to occur - 1. Trust in myself 2. Constant and Unrelenting will. 3. Accountability to only myself. Number Three is the scariest of all. Keep in mind, for the most part, except my parents, I got recognition for none of it. The only reward was from myself, to myself. Again, lonely but oh so sweet, so Sovereign.

I also knew that in 2023 I wanted to start writing, possibly podcasting about history, the world and how and why we are here. However, I couldn’t do that if I hadn’t sorted my own house and sifted through the shit. Helping others can’t be done if you won’t help yourself. How can one speak of sovereignty as without if one hasn’t mastered within? Wouldn’t writing and busy work just shove that shadow down deeper? No dragon to slay, what dragon, I’ll just write. No, the beast must be confronted.

Others have walked this path before me. I have found their information on Substack and am extremely grateful for their insight and wisdom. I truly love this platform of free minded, creative and loving humans.

Initiation

After about 6 months of sobriety, I started shadow work, wanting to be in a good place with my sobriety before starting. Good call. “Shadow Awakening” by Odysseus Andrianos book helped me immensely and at some point I’d like to reach out and thank him. For anyone interested in shadow work, I can’t recommend it enough. There is journaling and exercises at the end of each chapter so you truly can become a practitioner. I reconciled things from my past I wasn’t aware were running me. I have meditated for years but learned some new meditations through Odysseus’s work. The meditations and more videos regarding alchemy and healing can be found here.

I took control of anger issues I had from trauma. I am at peace and understand how the brain works, tapped into my higher self and can now step outside and analyze in real time why I am responding a certain way. Identify the root problem. By the way, nothing wrong with righteous anger. That is spiritually healthy. The wisdom is knowing the difference.

Going back to the monk mode this year, could I have accelerated in this if I had not closed off? Temet Nosce. The answer is no. And I did it by myself.

This is not to brag, it’s to tell my story. There is a sense of accomplishment and pride, but not an egoic pride. Not vanity but reverence and gratefulness. I want to remember this the rest of my days. I want to always live in honor of this time in my life where I learned a lot about my strengths, weaknesses and power. We don’t give ourselves enough credit. We doubt ourselves all too often. But once you REALLY know yourself, down to the gut, the bones, the depths you can REALLY LOVE yourself; maybe for the first time.

I have two boys, 15 and 12. Admiration, love, pride in them does not fully express in words my true feelings. They have gone through this divorce together with dignity and pride which astonishes me. I was definitely a rebellious kid and always stood my ground on what I believed in but did not possess their grace at that age. I am so grateful for them, as always. They are a light that never goes out (and we all three love that Smiths song).

The boys are with their mother for Thanksgiving. My sister asked me if I wanted to go to her in laws for Thanksgiving, a loving gesture. I declined, however, because why not be with the one who I’m most thankful to? Myself. There is an ever abiding peace in that.

Of course I still communicated with family and people I know on Rokfin, Telegram chats and such today. My boys are with me this weekend, which is cool.

For those who are thinking of making an inward journey, do it. The waters are deep, the crevices sharp, the dragon’s lair hot. But do it regardless, because you owe it to yourself and humanity. We need you, your voice, your uniqueness. You are not small. Have you made mistakes, YES. We all have, get over it. And you will make more, but the power comes from finally understanding why and being able to turn it off immediately on cue.

There are two individuals I wish to thank on this path. The first is Mark Passio. Of course Mark’s work has been influential on me, but in 2023, he got real on Whatonearthishappening.com. I felt as if he was speaking directly to me and this occurred in about month three of sobriety. He was talking about his technology seminar and how if you really value true freedom, you need to get off your ass and do something. Be courageous. Mark does not sugar coat. He is the element of fire. He lit a fire under my ass at the right time in my life. He’s that life coach you needed that’s not going to let you give an inch to yourself. I respond to that because I am like that in many facets of my life, but I haven’t been on the topic of Natural Law. I’ve been attending the seminar since July and have learned so much, not just with technology but as Mark says, life skills. His seminar is a dojo and he is the Shaolin Monk who will scorch earth for the benefit of your development because he loves and cares for humanity so much. Mark reminds me of Beatrice Kiddo’s master, Pai Mei in Kill Bill. Tough as nails but fair minded. Thank you Mark for who you are, how you live your life and inspire others through your tireless research, presentations and care for humanity. I humbly carry the torch with you and many others.

The other person I want to thank is The Starfire Codes by Demi Pietchell If Mark Passio was the fire I needed this year, Demi was the water. Mark was my Morpheus, Demi my Oracle. For those of us who know Demi’s work, you know what I’m talking about. Before Neo opened the door to the Oracle’s temple at Delphi Apartments Morpheus said, “I can only show you the door, you’re the one who has to walk through it.” Thank you for illuminating what the door looks like and the possibilities beyond it Demi. Much love.

Return

I am grateful for the roots that were dug out for replanting. I know with certainty the hero’s journey and the choices made were correct. Excited about the future but live in the present. I don’t have anything planned for my year anniversary except one thing. I’m ordering a pendant to be worn on that day for the first time. I’ll keep that to myself for now but the symbol is ancient and it represents what I am about in all aspects, for all people. It simultaneously stands between the year I’ve had and where I intend to go. Kind of like living in the present.

Hetep, love to all of you.