Chapter 6: Final Victory, Lost Innocence

“There is a point where the ethereal and material meet. Where the grime and energy sleep.”

I’m driving to meet him, towards my destination. What’s it been, five years? Yes, that’s it. Although I think he’s been in the mental facility for two. Ahh, what joy it was to hear that he had checked himself in. That spiral staircase of the mind going downward. Maybe I’ll give him a reason to live…. or die.

The open road ahead, driving way over the speed limit on this highway leading west. LCD Soundsystem’s “How Do You Sleep,” on full blast. An appropriate song. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t sleep. Those Drums and power synth while I am fueled along this fuel spent road.

Kate had no idea I was going to visit. I kept it from her as we keep so much now. The inevitable keeping of secrets. The Domino effect when lying and betrayal set in. One wants to join in, see what is being missed out on. The play, the game, the dagger. Wait, what? Dagger?

Moving on to the task at hand. What will I say to him? Will he look much older?

I always wondered what he was capable of, but he never had the grit to truly endure. Oh, he’d hurt others but he couldn’t stand the heat in the kitchen.

Maybe because he always struck first. There’s something to us counterpunchers that is so underrated (and that’s how we like it). When we see those wolf eyes, we let them reel themselves in. They are the only ones to blame.

I had the blade in my pocket, but would I even need it for the last move? Would there be more joy in “assisting him,” or letting him be enraged in a cage, while I’m out here.

I remember texting him when I had found out about them. I waited till it had calmed down but had a feeling they were still fucking around. For that I had implanted a fail safe device, more on that later. My dick was always too big for her, she needed something different I guess. Now though, she can’t get enough of it.

I texted him that the only thing honorable he could do is kill himself. After this, he blocked me. Probably cause he knew it was true and that phone had become a black mirror. Fucking punk couldn’t handle it. Most people can’t handle the truth. This happened after our fight in the parking lot which I’ve already discussed.

Rob and I had been friends before all this went down. I won’t go into the details. Does it even matter? So called friends go in and out of your life. I know my mail lady better than most “friends.”

He wasn’t a life long friend or anything, but we had become close. We had very similar personalities, similar interests (hiking, staying healthy, movie references). Today they would call it a bromance, maybe, I don’t know. It’s just two dudes who met later in life and enjoyed each other’s company.

I have always had good intuition and judgment of character. I should have seen the sociopath signs, the self destructive tendencies. The glances they would make at each other.

I have no illusions to the fact that other men want to fuck Kate. But I never thought for one moment, she would go along. Our bond was too strong, so I thought.

If there is one thing I’ve learned in this life, it’s that eros love does not last. It burns brightest and fades fastest. What is left in place can be Caligulized, if need be. That is the toll paid, the entrance to the fresh grapes which turn sour at the back of the garden.

I could see the mental institution coming up. It was far ahead but shone like a beacon. A towering sight, ominous. Beautiful brick though. They should let the patients spray clean the brick if they don’t already. It could be a team building exercise. Just have the tasers ready if they get out of hand.

I pulled up, parked just as the song was ending. I shouted “One step forward, and six steps back,” for good measure. It was a long walk in the parking lot. So this is where he lives? How used to it is he? Basketball courts. I would bet any amount of money I have that he’s playing every day, that elusive dream of beating me one on one his goal. He probably imagines that to stay just a little sane.

His ex wife helped him check in when he tried taking my texted advice. He didn’t succeed. This was after Kate broke it off and went back with me. His wife had divorced him. He had nothing and no one, devastated, broke. He got what he deserved.

Instead of getting out completely he took Purgatory. The outside looked good, but what about the inside?

I walked in.

Went up to the desk. A hot one behind the desk showing massive cleavage. She looked up, had a tattooed sigil of some sort I couldn’t place on her neck. All I wanted to do was bite it. Short dark hair, goth look. Her lips dripped wet.

“Yes, I’m here to see Rob……” I couldn’t remember the last name. Why not? Why couldn’t I remember?

“Yes, there is a Rob here, just one.” She stuck her tongue into her chin as she looked at me. I could tell she had an interest in me because I had an interest in him. Right then I knew she had fucked him. She probably loved working here. How many men had she had within these walls?

“Is this him?”

Wow, it was. His beard was gray, still very much the Viking look he always had.

“Was this recent?”

“Why yes, I took it myself.”

“I bet you did.”

“Catherine?”

A well dressed man, with big thick glasses, very proper and a thousand yard stare.

“Phone down to visiting room and make this happen.”

Catherine did so.

“Catherine,” I said. “You didn’t ask for my name.”

“No need.”

“I don’t want him to know it’s me. I’ve always liked the element of surprise.”

“Of course,” as she leaned in with the phone cord draping onto her cleavage. She made the call and walked away.

“Sorry about that,” said the man.

“About what?”

“Her lasciviousness.”

“Oh, no worries here.”

“Yes, I’m sure.” He had a very East Coast establishment way about him. “You’d probably willingly become a patient here, wouldn’t you. I’m just jiving you.” A crevice of a smile came out. “You can wait over there,” as he pointed to a square room with triangular shaped hardwood floor. The carpet was a swirled decoration with a singular point coming from the middle. I stood there, just felt right. It was very weird, the vibe that was coming from it. Cold, hidden, no one about. The square room above the triangle.

Of course, famous psychologists lined the walls. Freud, Jung, etc. The moment I focused on Jung, a shadow appeared behind me.

“He’s ready. Are you?”

A big orderly was standing behind me. I nodded and we walked down a long dark, dank hall. I could hear whispering, chattering, screams. The cavernous walls, bare, breathed, moved with the whispering, one whole organism conjoined down a hall. We came to the end, then wrapped around to the right, then did the same again, and again, and again. It never seemed to end. The walls got thicker, my pulse raced faster. But instead of being frightened I thought of my new friend, the advice giver I had been meeting with. I remember him saying to embrace the dark, let it consume you and then push it out in the controlled rage. Yes, that raced through me and my pulse started connecting to the walls, we were one.

We finally arrived at the room. I sat behind the glass, waiting for him to appear.

I felt in control, alive, absorbed all of the tortured walk into me and transformed. I felt different, powerful and I couldn’t help but smile hard and open eyes wide.

He walked in. The look on his face was frozen, shocked. He couldn’t believe it. He looked back at the orderly, like is this necessary. Then as if he figured what does he have left to lose, what else would he be doing today. He shrugged and sat down. Face to face at last.

“Hello Rob.”

“What are you doing here Tom?” It was the same question he asked when I showed up in that parking lot before I slugged him. Who has the right to insert themselves into your life, fuck it up, and then have the audacity to act as if they should be left alone? Fuck you. Not my fault you woke up the sleeping bull.

“I just wanted to check on you.”

“You came to gloat. You have everything you wanted. Now you just want to hold it over me. I know you, your capacity for vengeance is unmatched. All these years have gone by. Why now?”

“I wasn’t finished with you yet. Besides, you knew one day I would come.”

“After three years I figured not. Plus you are still with Kate.”

“Why do you think you didn’t succeed at your suicide attempt?”

This question really knocked him back. But I have to give it to him, his recovery was superb.

“Because I wouldn’t let you win. I knew that if I was still alive, even in a rotten place like this, it would eat at you. How do you know I didn’t lure you here?”

Now I rocked back in my chair. Silence. We stared at each other for a good sixty seconds, neither of us speaking. As I looked forward, his face and my reflection in the mirror started to conjoin. From this point on, I had to refocus my eyes every few minutes.

I like this, him thinking he has the upper hand, the chess move.

“Do you miss fucking Kate? I bet you do. I don’t miss it cause I do. What do you get in here?”

“That girl Catherine at the front.”

“Yes, I figured. She’s both our types.” I knew right then I would drop my number off to Catherine on the way out. You think I’m going to let him have all the fun?

“Did you come here for an apology,” he said. “Fuck you and your apology. I’m not sorry.” He smiled.

I just smile back with my eyes ablaze.

“You seem agitated,” I said.

“Agitated,” he fidgeted. “No, I’m just not giving you what you want.”

“Oh, I didn’t expect an apology. Is that what you thought?”

He smiled big.

“I will live out my days here in this hell hole. But at least I know where I am residing. You think because you aren’t in this mind fuck of a cell that you’re any better? If you do, you’re delusional. I’m also not going to hurt anyone in here unlike yourself. Make no mistake, you will hurt people, you will have victims, if you have none already.”

How did he know this? He’s talking smack. What victims?

I was rattled, confused. Shaken. I’m sure that I showed this on my face. Was I a danger to society? I did have this blade in my pocket, but, I also had the ace. Which is deadlier?

He must have been feeling pretty good about himself because he then went on the offensive.

“You know, even after you found us at her parent’s house, we still saw each other after that,” smiling, knowing I couldn’t kill him.

He was referring to the night I found out. I had received a tip from a friend. These dummies forgot I have eyes and ears everywhere. Her parents had been away, she was supposed to be out of town. They were attempting to stay the night together but I broke that up. It was the night we separated.

This was his fatal mistake, he had set himself up. I didn’t need the blade to slip him.

“Do you remember that night?”

“Of course, we were at out at a park when you broke into her parent’s house and found our belongings in their master bedroom. I can imagine how devastating that was.”

I took a long breath, grabbed my composure. The thought had crossed my mind to kill them when they walked through the door. But I couldn’t. I knew there was still a chance for Kate and I.

“Ummm. Yes, it was. Do you remember I took your clothes, all of them that you had left. They consisted of your coat, pants, the clothes you were going to wear on your date. What was so awesome in the timing is that it had just rained that morning. Her parents have one of those incline driveways so the water puddles at the end, right at the bottom of the driveway. Those were some nice clothes, that Eddie Bauer jacket. Good stuff sir. I laid them down in the puddle and ran over them probably like 15 times. Up the driveway and down it. Not only were your clothes ruined but they had my tire marks. I made sure of that.”

“Well, that might be true and yes I was livid and wanted to hurt you but we fought later any way. Plus I still went up and down in her later on. Like the driveway.”

Without even losing stride, remaining in my poker face pride, I played my ace.

“Yes, I figured that would be the case at least at some point, so I implemented a fail safe, a piece of mind if you will.”

I leaned back and looked away as if it really wasn’t anything I had said. I wanted him to ask me.

The silence hung like fog on the moor.

“What? What fail safe?” He said with such arrogance as if what could possibly trump what he had said. But he had asked. He had been led to his doom.

As this process went by, of my telling, I can’t quite explain, the facial structure change that took place. It went from glee slowly and slowly down to terror and hatred. I can’t describe to you the power that this gave me. The power over another’s mind, it’s like a drug. How many others within these halls and ones alike, wield this same power?

I leaned back in and looked him dead in his eyes, voice steady, low starting out, then building up into a crescendo like a symphony. “I took all of your belongings but I left your toiletry bag. I wanted you to have it. I NEEEDED you to have it. Have you ever heard the saying that if someone robs your home, you should throw out your toothbrushes? See, back in the 90s, there was this story, I think it was an early internet story. A family had been robbed. About a month later, the mother was going through some belongings and digging through some drawers when she came across some polaroid pictures. In these pictures were men standing in her bathroom, laughing at the camera, with toothbrushes up their ass cracks. A horrifying realization.”

He was hung on every word. I let him think for a second then continued.

“I was so hurried, devastated, didn’t know when you were coming back. I ran over your clothes and then I called Kate to tell her what I had found. I knew she wouldn’t come back with you until after I left. I could barely move. Sitting there in the bathroom I noticed the toiletry bag and that story came back to me. I grabbed your toothbrush, sat on the toilet, and worked it into my ass, like it was toilet paper. I had taken a shit that morning, massive, and didn’t wipe very well. Your toothbrush was too fudgy when I brought it out. I did a quick rinse just to get the evidence out. I knew if you took one look at that, you would know. But let me ask you this, after you shit, do you wash your hands with water, no soap? I know I don’t. There was still brown in the bristles, I made sure. But…… just for good measure, I wiped myself and then stuck it back up one good time. I mean, it had to last, you know. This was my fail safe. Perfecto. I slipped it back into your toiletry bag and left.”

The rage had filled him. He wanted to come through that glass. I kept going.

“I didn’t even think about the toothbrush till weeks later. So much of me had been drained. But when I did, I patted myself on the shoulder. Tom, you GENIUS. The gift that keeps giving. You know what the best part is? You always had shitty teeth and horrible breath. I knew you didn’t change toothbrushes that often. I knew that if your dick was in my wife, it really didn’t matter, because my excrement was in your gums. There were days I woke up in the morning, thinking, has Rob run my shit through his mouth yet?”

I laughed at him, I laughed the most jaw dropping, eyes popping laugh. Like I had been shot out of a jack in the box. Oh what power!

“You fucking piece of shit! You son of a bitch! I’ll kill you! I’ll find a way!”

He went nuts, just as I had planned, kicking the glass to no avail. Two orderlies came in and they had a hell of a time dragging him off. He was difficult.

I’m laughing hysterically. “Check mate Rob. You know, this taking victims thing feels good. You’re my first.”

I knew he would never see the light of day again. He would die here, either by his own hand or self sabotage. This episode had set him back at least two years. I hope he’s fueled by knowing I got the better of him and being in prison of his own choosing.

He was dragged out. Wonder if he’s going to ask for a new toothbrush? I made my way back down the hall. No assistance, I remembered the terrain. It had become engrained very easily, although time seemed to stand still. I wasn’t sure how long it took for me to get back to the lobby.

Catherine was there. I gave her my number. She looked like trouble. A mean team indeed.

“How did it go?”

“Ask him,” I laughed.

“Feeling pretty proud of yourself?”

I looked her dead with a smirk. “Always.”

She loved it.

“See you later.”

I turned to walk towards the front door. There was a rotund jolly smiling man standing at the door. I hadn’t seen him before. It’s almost as if he was the door man to get out.

“Good evening sir,” he said with a thick British accent. A full head of hair, I’d say he was early 60s. A Ron Jeremy stache, clearly dyed.

“It is isn’t it.”

“Are you leaving?”

“Definitely, never to return.”

“Oh, you are leaving to go out there, yes, but you’ll take us with you.”

“What do you mean?”

He stood there so cheerfully for a place so murky.

“You didn’t think that you were special, did you? You are all patients. Well, patients in life. The sick come here. The well, out there. At least that’s the basic game plan,” he chuckled.

“And what are you, are you a patient here?”

“Me, NO! I simply watch the door. I’m what you would call a Watcher.”

“What do you watch for?”

“Not what Mr. Philby, who? We’ve been watching you for quite some time.”

“We?”

“Yes, we. We are, how should you say, allowed to come in contact with certain individuals. Those who have a crisis of conscience, a view of their fellow man, which could either help or wreak chaos. You are in that crisis.”

His smile stayed there as if amused.

“You find this funny? It sounds like something serious.”

“Serious, how do you define serious. I’m merely stating what is. For us, it makes no difference the turns mankind takes, we guide, we can point. But ultimately, free will decides the fate. You see, it’s a game.”

“And it doesn’t affect you?”

“We are immune. But make no mistake, we made the necessary changes for this truth through millennia. You are so proud of your prowess, Mr. Philby. You do control others quite well. But who controls you? Your new mentor? He is of the black arts.”

“I know, he gave me power here.”

“Oh no, not here. This is your lair sir, as it is everyone’s. When you step out there, different story. You merely assembled the darkness laid out for you. And you stood where the square stands over the triangle.”

“So why are you here then if this is mine?”

“To give you a warning or a chance. You have vanquished your foe but do you think it stops there? That empty hole cannot be filled. I can help you fill it, if you are willing.”

“I love power.”

“Who doesn’t? But what kind of power? What is it used for? Do as you will. I’ve done my job. One more thing,” and he started pointing around the lobby. “Do you know that normally there are windows all along these walls? It’s so none of the patients can run out of here. We took them down before you came.”

“You knew I was coming?”

“Yes, I did, not the others, not your new lady friend. They know me here.”

“So why did you take them down on my account?”

His smile faded, he became stern, his voice lowered. He looked me in the eye and the cold ice that went up my back was felt throughout.

“Because you would stay.”

Time stood still. Life kept going throughout the institution. I could feel people walking by, not noticing our eyes locked. His eyes dragged me into a vortex, lights blinding, every color imaginable, similar to when I locked eyes with the old man, my new mentor. But this was different, more light. I started falling down but kept gaze on him as he leaned forward, stretching his back out in a way that did not go with his frame, did not seem human.

I came to, was that? What? We were standing there as if no time went by.

“Well….What if I wanted to stay?”

“There’s no room for you here. And your story hasn’t played out yet. If we left the mirrors here, we would be intervening by omission.”

“If I want to keep the hole, it is mine. Mine to fill or not.”

“Is it?”

His smile was now the big one with eyes I had dropped on Rob.

“I’ve got to get out of here.”

“Go right ahead, nothing is stopping you. But just remember, you never leave. You can construct the hall differently, the lobby rearranged, the waiting room reversed. This place can become a temple, not a prison. But you never leave, not in this realm.”

I rushed out and ran to the car. Just before I got in the car I noticed a bald man standing there by a black Lincoln Town Car. He was staring at me. He smiled and did he have fangs? Did his eyes blaze? I have to get home.

I rushed in the car. My phone blowing up with texts from Kate. Are you coming home? Hurry, I have a surprise for you. That helped a little. I felt numb, nothing. Had that watcher zapped something out of me or into me? The power felt after dropping the bomb on Rob had dissipated.

I felt cold, yes, I still loved the thought of him in there. I rolled forward, looked back and said, “So long fool.” Before I drove away, the flashback to that mental institution across the road from the park I played little league baseball and soccer as a small child came flooding back. I remember, even as a young kid, the juxtaposition between the innocence of the park and the darkness of that campus. It didn’t seem like those two layers should cross so close. I sometimes wondered how many kids had played on those fields, and ended up across the street. My town was something.

I drove on the highway back home. It seemed longer the way home. All I had was my thoughts. Eventually I started laughing, laughing like a madman. And it felt good, elation. This is what living on the edge of a razor is like! And I’m going home to the woman who left him and came back to me. Pure victory. Would this feeling stay? I think so. What does that Watcher know anyways?

A text came in. “How did it go?” It was him.

“Perfect.”

“Good, now get home to that wife of yours. And don’t pay that fat man at the door any mind. Guy has nothing better to do.”

“That’s what I was saying.”

“You looked in his eyes, didn’t you. We’ll fix that. It won’t be pretty first few days though. You will have nightmares, but worth that power huh?’

“I’m almost home.”

“Alright, enjoy.”

I arrived home. I saw the text, “I’m upstairs.”

I walked into the foyer. I could hear a droning sound coming from upstairs. I took off my clothes and dashed up naked.

Oh yes, she was playing Nine Inch Nails, “The New Flesh.” I could hear, ‘sometimes somethings feel like I’m on the other side.’ Yes, indeed.

I walked in to her naked body. She was wearing the mask. Oh, that’s how we are going to play. Anymore, the masks seemed the realest, the truest. She motioned to mine on the stand. I grabbed it, put it on. She put her hands on the dresser and I railed her from behind. She wore the right heels for the right measurement. No finesse. “Oh honey, what did YOU do today?” I communicated I killed your former lover through my hard stroke.

I grabber her neck and whispered over with the song, which I know she loved, “Give it to me, I can take it.” I kept going until the guitars raised from the depths and we took each other down to the ground and rocked there.

Youngblood Elixir

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Youngblood Elixir

Chapter 6: Final Victory, Lost Innocence

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Chapter 6: Final Victory, Lost Innocence

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